If Only
by FloofyFox
Summary: With Toothless gone, Hiccup is left defenceless to his demons, left to contemplate the possibilities, the thing we all think. If only... And the answers scare him. Set during Gift of the Night Fury, rated for some angst. Just a random drabble that came to mind. COMPLETE


**Set during Gift of the Night Fury.**

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Hiccup's legs dangled off the large rock, shadowing the snowy ground of the Cove. A shaking sigh escaped his mouth, as he shifted to slide down the boulder, into the glittering bay. His legs shook as he landed, his metal leg slipping slightly on the thin sheen of ice, sending him into a blur of brown and green as the heir tried to stabilize himself. Hiccup breathed out, as his outstretched arms stopped wobbling, like his body.

The heir looked around, scanning the place that had been furnished with freshly powdered snow, the trees coated to a shining finish of icicles, the rocks padded with snow, and the lake smoothed into a glistening floor of ice.

It had been a little while since he visited this place, since he had been so busy helping prepare and look after the village, teaching them how to train and look after their dragons after the war had _finally_ ended.

 _Not much to do now without them,_ he thought, breath hitching at the thought of the dragon's disappearance. And Toothless.

The thought of his dragon sent Hiccup's arm subconsciously reaching out to pat the dragon's neck, needing, _craving,_ some comfort, some reassurance. However, his arm met thin air, with the coldness seeping into his hand, floating forlorn in mid-air.

No comfort, just cold.

Just like before. Like it had always been.

 _You truly are cursed. A taste of true friendship right in front of you, only to be wrenched away, to show how a hiccup can never really be loved,_ A voice whispered, taunting inside his head.

Hiccup's breath shook, as he stepped onwards, trying to pry off the claws of the ominous voice. But they stubbornly clung, cutting into his skin, into the walls he had previously set up oh so well.

 _Astrid was right about Toothless leaving forever. He's gone, because your friendship was never enough, would never be enough. You're never going to be_ _enough for_ anyone _, and sooner or later, they'll realise that. It's just a matter of time._

Tears pricked at the back of his eyes, as Hiccup started regretting ever stepping foot in this place. Let alone without his dragon. Without Toothless, the memories came swarming back in a torrent of bitter reminders. One foot after the other shaky one, he walked and stumbled around the Cove, flashbacks attacking him from every angle, without any mercy.

Hiccup glanced hesitantly to the left, where he had first walked down into this place, following the wreckage the Night Fury had wrung on the trees and forest. The place where he had sketched Toothless, then made eye contact for some breathtaking seconds.

The place where the spark of their bond had first ignited.

It pricked him, with every vivid memory of his dragon, pricking his eyes, pushing the bile further up his throat.

Hiccup looked around, his heart aching when he glanced at the pond that had been frozen over, where they had crash landed after their first flight together. He continued forward, the chill creeping through his clothes, only making him more miserable. The boy stepped around the rock where he had drawn his first picture of Toothless, and begun to unconsciously danced around the area, where the dragon's long gone picture had been. He wavered around, picking his way through the imaginary lines, his throat constricting with every step, heart wringing and hammering, bruising his chest. Hiccup's whole body shook with the effort of keeping everything in, preventing any chance of its merciless wrath to shatter through.

 _We've had enough disappointments for one day!_ His dad's words echoed in his ears, and even if they had been aimed at the loss of his helmet, they still hurt, stinging his still healing wounds of before Toothless, before his warmth and comfort.

 _Disappointment._

Hiccup trembled, his inhale wavering in the numbing air.

 _Coward._

His knees crumbling slightly, as he fumbled around for his next step.

 _Runt._

He closed his eyes, the dam threatening to crack open, trying to navigate through the foot-deep snow.

 _Fishbone._

Hiccup choked, a sob freed, fists clutched, trying not to collapse after his knees lost any feeling.

 _Useless._

He stopped suddenly, all his absentminded twirling halting, stopping in front of the place where he had first touched Toothless. Touched his dragon. Touched warmth in his cold world. Touched a friend.

 _No, touched_ friendship.

Only to be lost.

Hiccup broke, frozen legs and frozen heart collapsing in one emotional mess, jaw clenched as his tears poured down, freezing his cheeks whilst snow steadily fell down on and around him. His body wrenched with each sob, the boy clawing at his hair, trying to strangle the thoughts that plagued him.

 _Not thoughts. Memories._

 _You betrayed him. You deserve nothing better than this!_

"J-just st _-stop_!" he cried desperately, every breath stabbing his chest, the bile burning through his throat. His tears dripped down, with Hiccup trying to swallow them down, trying to swallow these emotions down. Trying to forget the things he had so successfully hidden from behind Toothless' company. Now, with the abandonment of his best friend, they could ambush him, letting no justice or peace hidden within him to survive.

 _He's never coming back._

 _Ever._

 _You'll forever be lonely, such a wreck of yourself prior._

"I have m-my other fr-friends," he managed to hoarsely whisper through the curtain of tears.

 _Who will remember how Useless you truly are without your dragon, without_ any _dragons._

Hiccup gulped, as his chest heaved with a new round of tears teasing his eyes. They stung them, irritating his eyes as the crisp air pricked them with icy spears. He gritted his teeth, leaning down, hands tearing into the snow, trying to find comfort in their freezing depths. As if he would ever find comfort without a friend. The boy had comforted himself for far too long, and the companionship of his dragon had gotten him out of practice of setting walls.

If only he had-

 _If only what?_

 _If only I was enough…_ Hiccup thought back, trembling under the humungous weight that had been set again. He was grounded once more, without any support.

"My dad'll help," he swallowed, looking up from his breakdown.

 _Without your helmet?_

"Th-then I'll f-find it," Hiccup said, hesitant at the proposition.

 _Sure you will,_ the voice snickered, making the boy flinch.

"I will!" he choked, wobbling to his feet. The heir breathed erratically in, starting forward, only to slip on a frozen patch of snow, sending him sliding back down, whacking his head on the frozen ground. Hiccup groaned, tears prodding him once more, yet the young Viking stubbornly pushed back up. He started forwards once more, hastily wiping his face, proceeding to claw up the crumbling rocks.

 _If only I didn't lose that helmet, then I could talk to my father sooner. He would understand if I hadn't lost the most precious thing to him._

 _If only you were a proper Viking, then you would never be in this mess!_

If only…

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 **Hey guys, I hope you enjoyed this one-shot! I was just in the mood for angst (again) but I would say this is more of a drabble. Meh.**

 **Either way, thanks for reading, and until next time,**

 **Floof Out!**


End file.
